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I'm feeling a bit numb today ... not the numb that makes your psychiatrist freak out and prescibe you everything he can to make you feel like a zombie.
There, a zombie. I feel like what the pills make you feel like when they swear they'll make you happy and they don't. They just take your feelings completely away.
Everybody always thinks that asking questions makes everything better.
The only response you ever get to any of them is "I'm sorry." And even when they are sorry you still feel empty in the fact that humans need explanations for everything and without them, you develop a hole that won't seem to repair itself.


My rat died last night. Well, BJ's rat died last night. A couple of days ago I felt like it was coming even though she was acting like she was better but I was sure it had happened when I looked in the cage and she wasn't asleep in the hammock. She had crawled to the bottom of the cage to be alone.
I feel bad because I wish I could have at least held her and tried to comfort her as much as I could.
You know how sad you feel when you're just alone in general? I never want to experience the sadness some feel when they know they're dying with nobody there. When they know they're dying period.


I have no idea why he did this to me.
It's so much worse when you're not with "some asshole" and they do it.


I've realized how great I am lately at pretending nothing happened when everybody's around and it sucks so bad when they all leave because I'm alone and face to face with it.
I swore if it was true, I was leaving. He was the best thing to happen to me and I remember SO vividly feeling the relief I felt walking into something so brand new and pure with no secrets. I believe I have the best father for my child that could have been asked for.
I'm afraid this is going to tear us apart. It's eating at both of us and people who should have never known anything about it have gotten involved and put their two cents in and I don't know how to get through it other than just pretending it isn't there.
And now thinking back to something somebody else said, BJ is an incredible liar but I know he's not lying about not wanting me to leave and wanting to go through life together.
About a week ago before I found out about everything, BJ said that since he had planned on us being together forever, he thought that it would be good for Evan for him to think that BJ was his dad. Till doesn't want anything to do with him and Evan is convinced he gets to see his daddy when he comes.
For a second I was thinking that maybe he was only doing it because he was trying to make things better before they got worse. But now that I'm thinking about it, I believe he's doing it because he wants to and he doesn't want to break Evan's heart.


His dad wasn't around either and Paul has always been "dad" to him.


Evan called me mommy for the first time yesterday. As soon as I answered the phone, I got to hear "Hi, Mommy" :) That was the first time he's ever talked to "mommy". You could tell he was completely lit up.
And then he told me he bit Mckenzie at day care. Turns out, my kid might get kicked out of day care. He's the sweetest thing in the world to everybody but when it comes to the kids, he's hitting and biting and nobody knows why.
I'm sure it's a lot of things. He's smart as hell and he's too smart for the things they give him to do so he's bored ... seeing mommy and daddy are an every day issue and I think he's just catching on to things.
He's confused and he's acting out.
Then he sang happy birthday to mommy and daddy ... lol :) He told me "I'm coming to see you and daddy."
He's beautiful.
He makes me melt. And when he says "I love you", they're the sweetest "I love you"s I've ever heard.








Current Mood: numbnumb
Current Music: You Found Me//The Fray

So it's true ... and you know the ten minutes tops I spent crying as soon as he admitted it was about all it lasted for.
It's hitting me now.
I was so calm and I was holding it together so well until he said "Why didn't you tell me you were going to meet Tim?"
I completely lost it and told him he wasn't going to be the one asking questions. 
I asked and I asked and pleaded that he just tell me what happened and he kept looking at me with this sad face wanting to know where this was all coming from.
His eyes are one of my favorite features.
They were sooooo sad and they got red and everywhere around his eyes got red. 
I just thought I had completely hurt him and I had all of my "facts" wrong. It wasn't until I calmed down and said "I feel like I'm crazy. I feel like I'm accusing you of something that never happened and I never want to do that to you. I never want to hurt you like that. Am I accusing you of something you didn't do?"
He stayed quiet and I was hoping he had just spaced off and didn't hear me.
But he had.
And I've never felt my heart break the way it did. And the way he looked when he said "you're not crazy." made me want to die. 
It wasn't one of those things where I just wanted to kill him and shatter everything the way he shattered MY everything. 
When he said "I'm so sorry" it was the most sincere apology I've ever been given. He looked so sad and so tired of everything. 
and I just hurt so fucking bad.  
I wanted to hold HIM.
After everything else the contractions started and we layed there and I let it all drift away. He let it all drift away. We haven't talked about it since then.


Everything is so different when it comes to him. He's a good person and good people fuck up but it doesn't change the way I feel.
I feel like I hate them more than I do him  ... I was so confused last night because my first reaction would have been to beat Amber until I went into labor and I didn't feel that way. I almost felt bad for her like she just needed to know somebody cared about her.
But after spending the last hour sending messages to her and Autumn and writing about it, I can't say that I'm not feeling what my first reaction would have been.
37 weeks or not I just want her to hurt the way I do.
Maybe thats why I hate her more than I do BJ ... I know he's hurting over it. In fact, I've never seen BJ look the way he does now.
He looks exausted and SAD.


What the fuck is she feeling?
She's completely happy with her life. She shared it all over myspace exactly 7 hours ago.


Current Mood: crushedcrushed