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01 May 2009 @ 01:38 pm
Where were you when everything was falling apart?  


I'm feeling a bit numb today ... not the numb that makes your psychiatrist freak out and prescibe you everything he can to make you feel like a zombie.
There, a zombie. I feel like what the pills make you feel like when they swear they'll make you happy and they don't. They just take your feelings completely away.
Everybody always thinks that asking questions makes everything better.
The only response you ever get to any of them is "I'm sorry." And even when they are sorry you still feel empty in the fact that humans need explanations for everything and without them, you develop a hole that won't seem to repair itself.

 

My rat died last night. Well, BJ's rat died last night. A couple of days ago I felt like it was coming even though she was acting like she was better but I was sure it had happened when I looked in the cage and she wasn't asleep in the hammock. She had crawled to the bottom of the cage to be alone.
I feel bad because I wish I could have at least held her and tried to comfort her as much as I could.
You know how sad you feel when you're just alone in general? I never want to experience the sadness some feel when they know they're dying with nobody there. When they know they're dying period.

 

I have no idea why he did this to me.
It's so much worse when you're not with "some asshole" and they do it.

 

I've realized how great I am lately at pretending nothing happened when everybody's around and it sucks so bad when they all leave because I'm alone and face to face with it.
I swore if it was true, I was leaving. He was the best thing to happen to me and I remember SO vividly feeling the relief I felt walking into something so brand new and pure with no secrets. I believe I have the best father for my child that could have been asked for.
I'm afraid this is going to tear us apart. It's eating at both of us and people who should have never known anything about it have gotten involved and put their two cents in and I don't know how to get through it other than just pretending it isn't there.
And now thinking back to something somebody else said, BJ is an incredible liar but I know he's not lying about not wanting me to leave and wanting to go through life together.
About a week ago before I found out about everything, BJ said that since he had planned on us being together forever, he thought that it would be good for Evan for him to think that BJ was his dad. Till doesn't want anything to do with him and Evan is convinced he gets to see his daddy when he comes.
For a second I was thinking that maybe he was only doing it because he was trying to make things better before they got worse. But now that I'm thinking about it, I believe he's doing it because he wants to and he doesn't want to break Evan's heart.

 

His dad wasn't around either and Paul has always been "dad" to him.

 

Evan called me mommy for the first time yesterday. As soon as I answered the phone, I got to hear "Hi, Mommy" :) That was the first time he's ever talked to "mommy". You could tell he was completely lit up.
And then he told me he bit Mckenzie at day care. Turns out, my kid might get kicked out of day care. He's the sweetest thing in the world to everybody but when it comes to the kids, he's hitting and biting and nobody knows why.
I'm sure it's a lot of things. He's smart as hell and he's too smart for the things they give him to do so he's bored ... seeing mommy and daddy are an every day issue and I think he's just catching on to things.
He's confused and he's acting out.
Then he sang happy birthday to mommy and daddy ... lol :) He told me "I'm coming to see you and daddy."
He's beautiful.
He makes me melt. And when he says "I love you", they're the sweetest "I love you"s I've ever heard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
Current Mood: numbnumb
Current Music: You Found Me//The Fray
 
 
 
manna: britbrit angelbringknives on May 1st, 2009 10:47 pm (UTC)
i know i've said i'm sorry, and you know that i mean it. but i know what you mean as well. there's always the emptiness.

i think it's great that bj wants evan to think of him as his father. i never knew my dad, and even though i was a teenager at the time, and knew so well it wasn't true, logan was my father figure. it was what i needed. maybe this is what evan needs.
about you and bj- i know you two really love each other, and i've never seen you happier. but, i can tell you from living with my own problems like these for years now, even when things are okay, it's not going to completely go away. you'll know deep inside somehow- maybe not today, or next week, but you will know what it is you have to do, and whether or not you can handle it and move forward or just let it go and leave.

whichever way it works out, i will stand by you 100%. and if you need anything at all, let me know.

<3