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30 April 2009 @ 07:37 am
"She stole the keys to my house... and then she locked herself out."  

So it's true ... and you know the ten minutes tops I spent crying as soon as he admitted it was about all it lasted for.
It's hitting me now.
I was so calm and I was holding it together so well until he said "Why didn't you tell me you were going to meet Tim?"
I completely lost it and told him he wasn't going to be the one asking questions. 
I asked and I asked and pleaded that he just tell me what happened and he kept looking at me with this sad face wanting to know where this was all coming from.
His eyes are one of my favorite features.
They were sooooo sad and they got red and everywhere around his eyes got red. 
I just thought I had completely hurt him and I had all of my "facts" wrong. It wasn't until I calmed down and said "I feel like I'm crazy. I feel like I'm accusing you of something that never happened and I never want to do that to you. I never want to hurt you like that. Am I accusing you of something you didn't do?"
He stayed quiet and I was hoping he had just spaced off and didn't hear me.
But he had.
And I've never felt my heart break the way it did. And the way he looked when he said "you're not crazy." made me want to die. 
It wasn't one of those things where I just wanted to kill him and shatter everything the way he shattered MY everything. 
When he said "I'm so sorry" it was the most sincere apology I've ever been given. He looked so sad and so tired of everything. 
and I just hurt so fucking bad.  
I wanted to hold HIM.
After everything else the contractions started and we layed there and I let it all drift away. He let it all drift away. We haven't talked about it since then.

 

Everything is so different when it comes to him. He's a good person and good people fuck up but it doesn't change the way I feel.
I feel like I hate them more than I do him  ... I was so confused last night because my first reaction would have been to beat Amber until I went into labor and I didn't feel that way. I almost felt bad for her like she just needed to know somebody cared about her.
But after spending the last hour sending messages to her and Autumn and writing about it, I can't say that I'm not feeling what my first reaction would have been.
37 weeks or not I just want her to hurt the way I do.
Maybe thats why I hate her more than I do BJ ... I know he's hurting over it. In fact, I've never seen BJ look the way he does now.
He looks exausted and SAD.

 

What the fuck is she feeling?
She's completely happy with her life. She shared it all over myspace exactly 7 hours ago.

 


 
 
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
 
 
 
manna: sad =xbringknives on April 30th, 2009 05:01 pm (UTC)
i'm sorry dude.. i really am :/
you'll have to tell me what went down when you got home.
know that i love you and i'll always be there for you <3
dinosaurpuddingdinosaurpudding on May 1st, 2009 06:29 pm (UTC)
I'll letcha in on it in a bit.
Thanks for being there <3